What Catalan tradition gives us the excuse to drink before lunch?

A typical spread for the hour of the vermouth. Photo: JaulaDeArdilla.Lunch happens late in Catalonia, 2pm at the earliest, so you might get a bit thirsty or peckish.

Older Catalans, however, will let you in on a wonderful tradition that solves this problem (though it has unfortunately been dying out a bit over the last few decades): fer el vermut, or the hour of the vermouth. Around noon, especially after mass on a summer day, men gather in a café or outside on a sunny terrace to have a glass of vermouth with a bit of carbonated water and lemon. With this one eats various canned preserves (olives, anchovies, artichokes, cockles) or simple fried foods — squid, patates braves (fried potatoes with a spicy sauce), or perhaps cheese and fuet (a type of cured sausage). This may sound similar to the Basques’ evening-time tapas, but at the vermouth hour one generally eats less elaborate snacks, and they’re not served on little pieces of bread.

While young Catalans tend to be ignorant of this tradition, they do sometimes have a midday, pre-lunch snack sans vermouth, especially on Sundays, called simply the aperitiu. 

Brazilian beer is awful. Should I attempt to drink it anyway?

Yes. The major Brazilian beers may be offensively devoid of character, and served estupidamente gelada (extremely, "stupidly" chilled) in the hopes you won't notice, but drinking beer is an important Brazilian social event with lots of fun rules.

How should you choose what to drink? Since all of your options are terrible, the only important consideration is how classy you want to look while drinking this piss. Here's the status scale, starting at the bottom:

1. Lata. The can. As sold by street vendors at outdoor concerts, during Carnival and at night in rowdy districts. When purchasing beer in such a situation, Brazilians feel the can before paying and if it's not deemed cold enough, they refuse the purchase.

2. Latão. The big can, a slight step up.

3. Chope. Draft beer. Unlike serious beer-drinking countries, where draft is often considered fresher and therefore better than bottles, Brazilians consider chope rather low on the beer scale.

4. Long neck. Pronounced, cutely, "longey necky". Brazil is extremely class-conscious; a wealthy person could be caught drinking one of these and survive with dignity intact.

5. Litrão. Literally, the "big liter". If you're drinking this, you're sharing with friends and you have a serious thirst.

6. Garrafa. The 600ml "bottle" is the most normal option. It's big enough that you're of course sharing it with friends, but not so big that it risks getting warm before you finish it. This brand, Antártica Original, is considered by many serious Brazilian beer drinkers to be the best. It's not, it's just as horrifyingly bland as the others, but you should order it if you want Brazilians to think that you share their "refined" tastes.

Frequently, your garrafa will be served wearing a camisinha ("condom"), a plastic piece of insulation that helps keep it "stupidly" frigid. To properly operate a garrafa, check out our next post.

Brazilian wine is awful. Should I attempt to drink it anyway?

Wine, as egregiously served to Tipsy Pilgrim in a boteco (dive bar) in Rio.No.

And if you're in the country, you can't even drink the stuff imported from proper wine countries like Chile or Argentina; upon crossing the Brazilian border it undergoes a mysterious process wherein it is rendered undrinkable (presumably, customs procedure involves leaving the bottles out to bake for a few years in the sun).

Opt instead for Brazilian beer (also awful, but thirst-quenching) or caipirinhas (excellent).

At a polite Albanian dinner, to whom should go the honor of smashing the sheep’s skull with his fist? And what is the etiquette guide for such conundrums?

Sheep's head: Of course you want to punch it, but maybe your guest does also? Photo credit. Turn to the Kanun, the oral tradition of Albanian law that was codified in the 1500s and whose roots go back possibly to the Bronze Age. First set down in print and published as a handy reference in the early 1900s, it provides guidance on, for example:

• The etiquette of dinnertime sheep debraining
• An appropriate wedding menu and the correct bride-price  (1,500 grosh; not coincidentally, this is the same as the fine you would have paid to the family if instead of marrying her, you killed her)
• The vows necessary for female to male transgendered living, to be used should your household lack a man
• Conducting blood feuds against your neighbors

Though it is now spectacularly out-of-date, not sanctioned by Albanian law, and only partially (and bloodily) observed in rural holdouts in northern Albania, the Kanun was for centuries the law and etiquette guide for the Albanian people as their land passed through the hands of various judicially neglectful empires. It is sometimes considered a classic law text, on par with ancient works by the Greeks, the Mayans, etc.

In the case of this particular dinnertime conundrum, know that the honor of smashing the sheep's head goes to the guest, in the case that the guest is a standard-bearer in the army. Otherwise, the guest just receives the shoulder of the sheep.

A few more notes from the Kanun on hosting:

• The master of the house should be the first to drink a glass of raki. The guest should then drink one, and so on, alternating.
• However, the guest should dip a morsel of his food first, followed by the host. If the host jumps the gun on this he must pay a fine to the guest.
• The host is both allowed and expected to commit murder on behalf of a guest who has been dishonored while under his roof.

To consult this authoritative alternative to Emily Post for yourself: The Kanun has been set down in a various versions; the most readily available is Kanuni I Leke Dukagjinit: The Code of Leke Dukagjini, translated by Leonard Fox.

What are the medicinal uses of rakija (Serbian brandy)?

Tipsy Pilgrim product testing for 10 or so homemade Serbian "medicines". Photo by Ana Dunjić.None, according to reputable doctors. Reputable Serbian grandparents, however, prescribe rakija for the following conditions:

• Toothache
• Heartburn
• Stomach ache
• Sore throat
• Depression
• Menstrual cramps
• Anxiety
• To make a newborn baby boy more of a man (only feed him a few drops)
• Help babies fall asleep (let them suck on a rakija-soaked finger)
• Disinfectant
• Pretty much anything else

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

PREVENTATIVE CARE: Many older men start the day with a shot of rakija to ensure they maintain good health. This is the only time, ever, when it is acceptable to down your rakija in one gulp; one is meant to slowly sip to "enjoy" the flavor.

DENTAL CARE: First thing in the morning, have a scoop of slatko, or Serbian fruit preserves, to maximize the bacteria in the mouth. Then annihilate them with a shot of rakija. Replaces brushing. 

HANGOVERS: Rakija is also touted by Serbs as the one thing of which you can drink as much as you want and never have a hangover. In the service of my readers, I have tested this folk wisdom; while comforting in the drinking stage, it invariably proves the next day to have been a cruel bit of bullshit.

CHILDHOOD ILLNESSES: Many Serbians fondly recall that when the fell ill as children, they would wind up stinking of komovica, a homemade rakija produced from grape pomace. While not great to drink, komovica is hailed for its ability to calm fevers or sore throats; towels soaked in the stuff are dabbed over the body. 

DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant to be taken as individualized medical advice and is no substitute for consultation with your own Serbian grandparents.

Tip of the Tipsy hat to Ana Dunjić, Jovana Đaković, Jelena Roda Rodić, Mara Kulović, Ana Stijelja and other Serbian friends for their input. Do your Serbian grandparents have their own rakija wisdom? Let us know in the comments.