Vodka-Red Bull is bullshit — opt for the caffeinated cocktail of Spanish sailors

TP is visiting Barcelona this week and just discovered the carajillo, Spain's espresso/alcholic shot mix. Oh, carajillo, where have you been all of my life?

As with anything worth putting in your mouth, the carajillo is storied. The word supposedly derives from coraje ("courage") and the tale goes that Spanish sailors in Cuba drank this rum mixed with coffee for bravery. Or carajillo might also come from carajo, which can refer to a dick but is more usually used as a vulgar intensifier.

Here's the official Tipsy Pilgrim recipe:

Pour a shot (cognac, brandy, whiskey, rum)

Add a shot of espresso

Add sugar, if you must

Salud!

The rare and wonderful things to get drunk on in Catalunya

You'll recall that in Catalonia, the women are hot, the sailors are drunk, and the grandparents get started on their vermut before noon. I assume, darlings, that you have absorbed this blog's wisdom quite nearly become Catalans.

But how, you ask, scratching your mulleted heads, nervously twisting your pantalons cagats, should we get drunk in this lovely land? Or, more precisely, on what?

So here it is, your ....

Guide to What to Drink and How to Order in Catalunya

Vi negre — Literally “black wine”, these are often quite powerful reds; famous among them are the officially designated regions (D.O. or Denominació d’Origen) of Priorat and neighboring Montsant. At old-style wine shops in Catalonia you can still bring your own jug or plastic water bottle and fill it with ultra-cheap wine from a barrel.

Vi blanc — Many white wines are dry; one region to look for is Alella.

Cava — Sparkling wine (a.k.a. champagne); nearly all sparkling wine from the Iberian peninsula comes from the Catalan region of Penedès. Catalonia is the world’s second largest producer of sparkling wine after the French region of Champagne.

Aigua de València — “Valencian water” is a cocktail that combines cava, orange juice, vodka and ginger in varying ratios. It was invented by the painter Constante Gil and reached its heyday in the Valencian nightlife in the 1970s. Today, his signature drink remains more famous than his art.

Birra — Just order “una canya” to get a draft beer; you will most likely be served Estrella or a similar light concoction from Barcelona’s Damm brewery. Catalan microbrews include Keks from Girona, Catalonia’s first buckwheat beer; and the microbrewery Cerversera del Montseny, whose beers Lupulus Iberian Ale, Malta Pale Ale, and Negra Stout are the only Catalan microbrews available in the States.

Aiguardent — A “firewater” distilled from leftovers from winemaking.

Ratafia — An herbal digestif; some families in the Catalan countryside have their own secret recipes passed down through generations.

Vermut — Vermouth.

Estomacal Bonet — Officially sold as “El Gran Liquor Bonet”, this is an artisanal herbal brandy of great traditional stature in Catalonia.

Les Herbes Eivissenques — An anise liquor from Ibiza infused with and distilled from a wide variety of herbs.

Orxata de xufes — A cold, refreshing, nonalcoholic beverage from Valencia, made from the extract of nutritious tubers known as xufes (sometimes called tigernuts in English, or chufas as in Spanish), sugar and water. It is best consumed in the summer at specialist orxaterias, which also offer sweet pastries. Orxata made from xufes that meet government quality requirements is labeled Denominació d’Origen by the Valencian government.

Aromes de Montserrat — Traditional liquor made by the monks at the tourist hotspot monastery high above Barcelona.

Cremat — Literally, “burned”. This is a flaming brandy-rum caffeinated cocktail.

Beguda del pobre — From the region of Lleida, this “drink of the poor” is made from oranges, anise, and sugar.

Absenta — Catalonia is one of the world’s hotspots for absinthe consumption and production.

Crema catalana — When referring to desert, “Catalan cream” is the same as what the French call a crème brûlée. When referring to drinks, however, crema catalana means a cream liquor. A popular brand is Crema Catalana Melody.

Feel I'm missing anything important? Leave a note in the comments!

Photo: A bottle of ratafia. Credit: Yeza.

How to drink while dancing: Traditional Catalan wisdom for prancing drunks

If you've read my previous posts, you presumably now have a hot Catalan girlfriend and have mastered drinking wine from your porró, the squirty Catalan wine pitcher. The obvious next step is to dance with your Catalan gal while drinking from your porró.

Fortunately, drunken Catalan dancing has a storied past; and I found a literally crumbling old book with the evidence: El Diccionari de la Dansa, dels Entremesos, i dels Instruments de Música i Sonadors (The Dictionary of Dance, Short-Form Entertainments and Musical Instruments). That's right, y'all, Tipsy Pilgrim spent a day in the library.

Of the hundreds of Catalan dances in this 1936 ethnographic pan-Catalonia study, there were at least three folk dances that called for heavy wine drinking while dancing. To perform each of them, you should drink from — but attempt to not break — a fragile porró.

Ball del Porró	The Porró Dance	Place a porró full of wine on the head of the gentleman and a coca (small, pizza-like flatbread typical of Catalonia) on the head of the lady. The two of you dance together, slowly “marking out a soft and relaxed step”, until you reach the other end of the plaza, at which point you eat the coca and drink the wine. The gentleman should then dismiss his gal, pick up another, and again make his way across the plaza with more wine and another coca. This must not stop until the gentleman’s porró falls and breaks.
Rossinyol	Nightingale	This dance is performed in taverns and inns by men only. Place porrós on your heads, and sing about nightingales building a nest. Unfortunately, the details of the steps have been lost to the ages.
Dansa	Dance3	Another dance for men only. A flabiol (one-handed Catalan flute) is played as the men dance in a circle; when it stops, the dance’s leader of the moment must grab the porró from the center of the circle and drink as the men sing: Oh my God, little Mary, what luck you have now, now, now … now that summer’s coming.1 The catch is that those singing can repeat the word “now” for as long as they want, and the drinker cannot lower the porró until the entire refrain has ended. Obviously this power is meant to be abused.

To watch or partake in traditional Catalan folk dances:2 For the sardana, ball de bastons (stick dance), ball de gitanes (gypsy dance) and others, check with the group Esbart Català de Dansaires in and around Barcelona. The site is Catalan only; use Google translate to figure out what’s on or call +34 93.318.82.59 or +34 93.303.10.01 and ask about their upcoming events and dance classes. No guarantees that they'll do the porró dances above.

To find Catalans drinking beer while dancing/unsteadily weaving: Head to the Raval neighborhood of Barcelona, where there are many small clubs with rowdy pop groups, as well as streets full of drunks staggering to their own beat. The best listings for musical events in the city are to be found at lecool or at Bcnweek.

Thanks once again to our hero at El Fem Fatal for advice on the Catalan language; she of course has nothing to do with drunken porró dancing.

NOTES:

1. Valga'm Déu, Marieta,
quina sort que teniu,
ara, ara, ara,
ara que ve l'estiu.

2. Most tourists in Barcelona who watch dance go to the just-for-tourists flamenco shows, which have sprung up to serve those who erroneously believe they are visiting Spain. This makes about as much sense as heading to China for sushi. For excellent flamenco, visit Flamenco’s homeland, the south of Spain, or else Madrid, where many of the great musicians wind up living.

3. This is a rather generic name, but apparently in the town of Tosses d’Alp this was all that was needed to refer to this step.

PHOTO: Traditional Catalan dancing. Photo by Josep Puigdemont. 

AMERICA WEEK: Pour your cocktail over fresh ice — and delve into America's all-out drink geekery

Certain impending life changes here at TP HQ threaten to make us a bit less American in the coming years, so we're delighted to take a week to revel in what we love about the fatherland. America Week will highlight the world's brashest, most flamboyantly ignorant and most creative culture by looking at how these cowgals 'n' guys drink, fuck and amuse themselves.

It shouldn't surprise that the land of pink slime and imitation cheese also tends to favor a drink that leaves you with little idea what you're actually drinking: the cocktail. Many countries do a bit of mixing of liquors, but Americans elevate the cocktail glass like no one else. 

The video below is from our lovely rivals at Everyday Drinkers, and covers just one aspect of successful cocktail preparation: handling ice. The entire five-and-a-half minutes of instruction can be conveyed in a single sentence (keep your drink colder by using fresh ice in your cocktail glass, not the leftover ice from the shaker), but as usual TP is not so interested in a particular mandate but rather in what it says about a culture. So take a look.

Here's what we're seeing:

1. The slavish obsession of the presenter, Derrick Schommer, for his subject. This tendency to work way too hard at whatever crazy thing is presumably what has allowed Americans to originate everything from chess-playing computers to nuclear bombs to rock music.

2. Tipsy has investigated a lot of drink wisdom over the years, but it takes an American to demonstrate his wisdom in a side-by-side video test. Wine snobs in Bordeaux have scolded me to open a wine bottle in the "correct" way, and Serbians have, with a lot more levity, passed on the "proper, time-tested" temperature and cooking times for mulled wine, but it takes folks from a young country to verify drinking lore in an empirical test.

3. Pride in geekiness. Take a look at some of the worlds' other drink blogs and videos — Europeans often try to present themselves as smooth connoisseurs, Latin Americans as party animals. But our ice hero seems to have no desire to hide his awkwardness; he's relaxed and at home in an amelodic, staccato delivery and sharp, flailed gestures. I take this as implied expertise; he couldn't be bothered with time or effort on presentation, or anything other than making fine cocktails. (Proudly asserted alternativeness is common among smart folks in the States. I once took a Catalan girlfriend home to visit my Midwestern college town, and she commented that everyone there seemed like a cartoon version of themselves.)

This week (or as soon as we get around to it) we have a lot planned on Americans' geeked out drinking, including homemade hooch and off-the-grid espresso. Your input is of course welcome in the comments. And in the meantime, check out some cocktail recipes over with the Everyday folks.

Photo credit: Fausto Fernos.

You should be banging more Dutchmen — here's how

The Dutch are notorious for being tall, reserved, handsome — and lousy flirts. In Tipsy interviews and on internet rants 1 2 3 4 5 6, expat women in the Netherlands express constant frustration; they can expect more attention from a Dutch sack of bricks than its construction worker wingman. 

This shouldn't be a surprise; Dutchmen have been conditioned to hang back. Only 12 percent of Dutchwomen think it's admirable for a man to make the first move. But the more egalitarian system of Dutch flirting does present some advantages; for example, an attractive woman can enjoy a glass of wine alone at a Dutch bar without inventing an enormous, fanged, jealous boyfriend who will be joining her shortly.

On the other hand, expat women (at least those from non-Scandinavian countries) tend to complain that they don't feel quite as beautiful without the constant explicit attention and, more importantly, they can't seem to figure out how to snag a local lover.

So, whether you're looking to knock nethers in Amsterdam or ensnare a Dutchman passing through your neck of the woods, here's Tipsy's compilation of advice from women (Dutch and otherwise) who have (eventually) succeeded in bagging one of these elusive prizes: 

• Project strength. Dutch guys expect girls to be forward, have a lot of personality, and make their own decisions. Women in most countries are conditioned to hold back — will yourself to make the first move.

• If a Dutch guy starts explaining his job, divorce, kids, salary, living situation, etc. — this may be a sign of interest! It may seem crass, but to many Dutch this is an integral part of flirting. Sluttier or more desperate Dutch men are even known to work the room, explaining their CVs to any girl who will listen until they find one who expresses interest. Dutch men generally tend to be honest and straightforward about their life situations — they consider this part of looking for an appropriate match. 

* Similarly, a guy may show he likes you by asking lots of practical questions. Where do you work? Do you want kids? Could you envision living the rest of your life in the Netherlands? Better for him to know these things before investing too much time flirting, right? This explains why a female friend-of-TP was recently asked by an apparently interested Dutchman in a bar, "So, why did your last boyfriend break up with you?"

• Strongly related to the above two points: Dutch guys have a reputation for being boring. Order a drink (or a few); as theatre critic George Jean Nathan used to say, "I drink to make other people more interesting." Do what it takes to get fascinated with your Dutchman.

• While you're at it, get your guy drunk. "A drunk Dutchman behaves like a normal man," a woman in Amsterdam told me. She was Italian, so her expectation for "normal" may be slightly skewed — but it's still good advice. If your Dutchman is sober, you'll have to behave more like a Dutch woman to get him (be forward).

• Try to be with him at the end of the night. In Holland, being the last two people around is considered a classic signal. Should be obvious, right?

• But even then, you will probably need to spell it out for him. A source with ample experience bagging both German and Dutch guys tells me that German guys — who also wait for the woman to make the first move — are at least susceptible to flirty looks and will respond appropriately. Dutch guys need you to actually verbalize your intentions. 

• When heading out for a date, take cash! The expression "Going Dutch" is true to its etymology. (Also know that foreign credit cards frequently don't work here.)

• Don't say "no" when you mean "maybe" or "maybe later". Unlike their less civilized counterparts, Dutchmen generally won't make a second attempt for your phone number, a kiss, etc.

• Chances are, the man will arrive by bike, but don't take your bicycle when you go on a date. That way, afterward, when public transportation is closed, the man will feel obligated to give you a ride on the rack over his back wheel. Ride sidesaddle, wrap your arms around him, nuzzle him, slip a hand down his pants, and see if you can get him to lose balance.

Photo credit: Kevin Dooley.