"Marry me, darling, for I have cows!" — picking up girls in a disappearing tongue

Galician is uniquely rich in fixed expressions for that romantic-but-vexing moment when a man sees something he'd like to fuck. Many languages have one or two of their own clichéd versions of "do you come here often?" but Galician, in spite of losing its lexical footing a bit as it mixes with Spanish, is balls-out prolific with its pickup lines.

Galician is the language of Galicia, a mostly rural area in the northwest of the Iberian peninsula (you are perhaps more familiar with Galician's southern cousin, Portuguese). As a function of its agricultural context, the language's pickup lines evince an obsession with tractors (you can be as pretty as one, or as turbo-charged in your humping) and cows (owning them makes you desirable).

Most importantly, this is apparently the only language to have coined a term for the sound made by finger-banging.

Galician women are known for being agarimosas (affectionate) and also for being decisive — once they set their sights on you they'll stop at nothing to have you and keep you. But at the same time they can be relatively cold to strangers; my guess is that the following were developed over many evenings of compounding sexual frustration. (It's certainly not the only example of linguistic creativity born out of misery.)

We'll finish on a video of a rather inebriated Galician making excellent use of that last item, fuch fuch. This video has gone viral, giving him renown throughout Galicia; one assumes that as a result of this performance he has never heard the sweet sound since. Someone took the trouble to subtitle the version below.

My favorite line: "It's not polite to talk about people, but..."

I'd like to thank my Galician sources, Marina Sánchez and Xurxo Salgado, for their help in editing and translating these. As I was writing this, Marina was kind enough dispatch a last-minute addition:

Mose,

I'm in a family dinner right now and they've just reminded me of the following:

Pegariache unha lambetada de cona a cu e de cu a cona que non vas a saber si correrte ou cagarte de gusto. —

I'd lick you up and down between your asshole and your pussy so much you won't know if you feel like shitting or coming!

My god, what nonsense!

Thanks Marina. I hope you were able to enjoy the rest of your dinner.

Update on Saturday, August 25, 2012 at 10:30AM by Mose Hayward

Nice to see some new readers: Ola Galiza!

In response to the more negative comments below: Nationalism (or regionalism, patriotism, whatever) is an understandable reaction; it's also boring. Disagree with something I've said? Tell me what I've got wrong, and tell me what joking, flirting and sex in Galicia is really like. Just saying that I'm "tirando a nosa cultura polo chan" isn't so useful.

My readers are not fucking idiots; they do understand that if you actually said these to a Galician girl you'd get (deservedly, and at the very least) slapped in the face. 

I loved discovering a few things about Galicia (I'm surprised this isn't evident to a few of you) and I'm happy to hear more — please continue to share in the comments. I've clarified some of the translations based on your comments, though translation is an art and it's hard to make everyone happy.

And before you go thinking this is all about you, you may want to bounce around the blog a bit and learn about the ridiculous ways we screw in other parts of the world, e.g.: sloppy kissing in Brazil, stages of sexual conquest in America, losing one's virginity in Albania, etc.

Pickup lines to score you hot Catalan girls

Hotass Catalan girls scared the bejesus out of Picasso.The world’s sexiest women are Catalan. They’re gorgeous, laid back, kinda grungy, and infinitely sweet.* So what do you gotta do to bang, smooch, or marry one?

Former dictator Francisco Franco has inadvertently given us a leg up, with the collective mindfuck he caused by banning the region’s language. Today's Catalans get very excited about foreigners who take the trouble to learn it. And if you don’t have time to master the mother tongue of these 11.5 million hotties, you should at least learn some toasts and the following pickup lines to try on any cute Catalans who cross your path.

An obvious warning: do not use these lines if you are actually Catalan. As we noted in France, using a pickup line in your own language is a dubious move. A foreigner struggling through such a cheesy line, however, is endearing; he or she shows wit, irony, and a winning effort at cultural awareness.

So here they are, Catalonia’s classic, panty-dropping best:

Estudies o treballes? — So, do you work or study?

Vols fer un clau, noia? — Wanna put a nail in it, babe?

* Catalan girls quite nearly destroy their inimitable sexiness with haircuts ranging from dorky short bangs to full-on mullets. If you can manage to overlook the hair, and possibly also the brightly colored, low-crotch saggy pants they love to wear (known popularly as pantalons cagats, or shitted pants), you’ll surely agree with the premise of this post.

Update on Saturday, April 21, 2012 at 8:23AM by Mose Hayward

Note for Catalan readers: Check out blogger El Rat, who has translated parts of this post (watch her struggle with words like "mindfuck") and added her own amusing analysis.

What are the tackiest French pick-up lines?

Tipsy Pilgrim, at left, wins over a nice Frenchman.

Using a pickup line in your native tongue is a dubious move. But in a foreign language the mispronounced equivalent of “Do you come here often?” can be funny, even endearing.

The following are very clichéd classics; say them earnestly, falteringly, and for once your bewildered foreigner status may work in your favor.

• T’as des beaux yeux, tu sais. — You’ve got beautiful eyes, you know.
• Whao, jolies jambes ! A quelle heure elles ouvrent ? — Wow, amazing legs! What time do they open?
• Ça va, poupée ? — What’s up, doll?
• Bonjour, vous habitez chez vos parents ? — Hello, do you live with your parents? (A very dated pickup line, used to discover right away if this was a “loose”girl.)